…and all I gotta say is “Fuck Valentine’s Day”. If you’re like me and single, here we go again folks. It’s time for that grim reminder we’ve been unable to find someone in our lives that can put up with us, or doesn’t make us want to club them upside the head each time they ask a stupid question.

Eh, screw it. There should be plenty of places to get bombed on Saturday loaded with like-minded people who hate Valentine’s day (or are there to pick up the next Mr./Mrs. wrong in their lives). You all know where you’ll find me.

Here’s some fuel for the fire….

1. Firebomb all the Hallmark card shops you can find. The greeting card industry created this “holiday” and the most effective way of ridding ourselves of it is to destroy it at the source. Greeting card shops sell primarily paper goods, and will burn quite efficiently.

2. Gather a large amount of sympathetic malcontents together and declare February 14 as a Day of Hate. Ridicule those who are less fortunate than you, refuel old ethnic hatred while encouraging the hate that already exists, explode an advertising binge of misanthropy. Be sure to be extremely vocal so as to get the attention of the media. Break lots of things with reckless abandon. Carry placards with catchy hateful slogans, such as “Hate Is Great”, “Have You Exploited Someone Today?” and “Fuck Love”. Hit the malls and be sure to torch all the greeting card shops (see (1)). This will have the positive side effect of destroying the malls where today’s vacuous youth, extremely vulnerable to advertising, run rampant like a bad case of hives.

3. Upon coming in contact with aforementioned amorous starry-eyed couples, proceed to exclaim loudly to either one, “Why didn’t you call me! You told me our passionate night together was only the beginning?! Who the hell is *this* cretin? Don’t you know that s/he could never love you like I can?! You’re coming with *me*!” Etc., ad nauseum. Be very animated, and feel free to physically get in between these two clueless sots. To be especially effective, do your research ahead of time and seek out certain couples. Learn their names, their habits and lifestyles, and capitalize on this. By ruining their holiday of love together, you will be adding them to the ranks of bitter V.D. malcontents.
- The Alt.Suicide.Holiday Valentine’s Day Survival Kit